My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
