apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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