I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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