he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
