They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
