Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
