Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize