Your dad touched me again.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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