In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
