I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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