You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
