Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
