Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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