Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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