genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
