saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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