i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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