I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
