I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
