meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
