I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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