I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
