morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
