Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
