I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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