I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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