During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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