I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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