I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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