I'm gonna have a badass scar
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
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