Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
