So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
