We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
