can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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