At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Blood and glitter go together right?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
