He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
