im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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