Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
