Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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