i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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