i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
