I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
