i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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