why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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