I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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