I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
