some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
