so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
