the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize