Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
