she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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