How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
