I'm so fucking centered right now
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
