Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
