I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
