and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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