yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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