I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
And then he peed in my hair
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