i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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