Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
