Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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